Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

The USS B port

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

The internet is magic sometimes.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!