Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

is nasa ok

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section