Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

79.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???