Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
