Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
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My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Bring back the McRib
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Saving my good tweets for marriage