Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
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Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Solving a traffic jam
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?