Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?