Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped