Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

That’s incredible! 👌

May have had one breakfast too many

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall