Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.