Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.