Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…