TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
You Might Also Like
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought