TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Meow
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”