Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
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Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Tough love is true love
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.