Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
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How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Hard not to take this personally
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If snakes were wide
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Yes my dude
