Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
pep talk
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?