TEETH IS INNOCENT
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Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?