TEETH IS INNOCENT
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Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.