Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is