Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.