Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking