Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

Trying

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday