Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

“Have you had a shower today?”

Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.