Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Who did it better?

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg