Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

The sacred texts.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

(2022)

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Nobody:

Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

our love story in four pictures