*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
cats when you pet them too long:
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.