Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
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I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right