Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?