Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

IT’S-A ME,

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

🥶🥶🐶🐶

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”