Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

A choir of Spring onions

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted