Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
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I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Dumplings,
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure