Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
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me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Never mess with a drunken pig.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*