Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
sailors wish they could swear like me
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.