Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
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“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!
dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-
frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*
dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*