Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Rambo Rambow
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Cause of death: Zumba
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.