Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Better luck next time champ
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Good morning, Twitter x
We don’t deserve birds.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death