“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
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My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
*jazz hands*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Pat is about to own someone
