Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
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Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
i baked you a cake
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*skinny dips into black hole
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool