Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!