Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
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Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem