Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.