Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
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Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.