Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?