“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Britain be like
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
🤣🤣🤣
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.