“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “