“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
What number SPF blocks people?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap