Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.