Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.