Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
