Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Möther may I have a snäck
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
He’s dead
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
nice challenge
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being