Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Me, flirting😏
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.