Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I have many caverns
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey