Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
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The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Are you ok, human???
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.