Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

new year update: losing everything but weight

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

Social distancing in Australia:

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to