Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I can fix him.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
2 years later
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.