Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

no cat here

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

Are you ok, human???

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really