Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.