“Tell me why I shouldn’t report you to HR?” The doctor yelled at me when I used the defibrillator wrong. “I don’t work here” I yelled back.

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Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.


If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.


My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”


If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.


*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”


When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”


Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.