Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.