‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I feel seen
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
in 3 months
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.