‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”