‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
You Might Also Like
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.