Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
