Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
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Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Just me and my debit card against the world
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Toxic snake
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream