Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Oh my God.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
phew
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.