Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why