Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
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I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Always…
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”