Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Thinking about Jeff
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*