Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
You Might Also Like
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling