Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show: