Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.