Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
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* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
constantly working on myself.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.