Tell the colonel to bring it
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Rambo Rambow
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…