Tell the colonel to bring it
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[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.