Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.