Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

the council will decide your fate

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

🤝

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.