Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*