Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha