Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
