Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

is it earth

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

This did not end as expected.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

You saw nothing. I am ham.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow