Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?