Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“TGIM!” – My liver
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.